Thursday, May 31, 2012
Stately Sandwiches, A Deconstructed State Sandwich Project
http://laughingsquid.com/stately-sandwiches-a-deconstructed-state-sandwich-project/
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
You guys...
I can't even. The picture of Jesus is too much.
Satan Is Making Tim Tebow Endorse Nike, Says Some Crazy Guy
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ktlincoln/satan-is-making-tim-tebow-endorse-nike-says-some
Now ths is a map
A Map of Over 1,000 Breweries Across the United States
http://laughingsquid.com/a-map-of-over-1000-breweries-across-the-united-states/
Monday, May 28, 2012
Rube Goldberg Machines
are the coolest. Seriously.
A Tiny Machine That Makes Postcards
http://www.getaddictedto.com/a-tiny-machine-that-makes-postcards/
Football + Coffee
Football's Coming Home With Teckell's Coffee Table
http://www.getaddictedto.com/footballs-coming-home-with-teckells-coffee-table/
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Can't sleep
I can't go to sleep tonight even though I know I'm tired. I am consumed by rage and anger the likes of which I have never felt before in my life. I have been EXTREMELY angry and frustrated before -- but always at things that passed quickly and were along the lines of being late to work/plane/huge traffic jam/etc.
I don't even know if I can put this into words. In my head it's just a primal scream, and I feel like that's all it would be coming out. But I'm going to try and just get it out of my head so I can sleep.
Right now, at the height of emotion, I hate him. I want to enact Sub Zero's kill move and rip out his still beating heart. I want him to die sad and alone and unfulfilled. I do and yet I'm mostly angry because I don't want to feel this way at all. I want to not think about it like I used to be able to do. I don't want to feel anything. I want to feel only excitement at prospects on the horizon.
This isn't anything new. But instead of feeling sad, my only feeling is anger. I want him to just talk rather than be passive aggressive/emo on the Internet. We're freaking adults. Two weeks ago he wanted to tell me about effing Disneyland and now he can't say anything?
Is this what being replaced feels like? If he's feeling sad or scared or whatever, I was always there to help and be supportive. For a long time and now it's just done? I let him talk to me for months thinking it wasn't a great idea and now that can't happen? Eff this. I get that there is personal growth happening or whatever, but that ish should've been taken care of in this intervening months. That's what moving on meant, not just being sad up until the exact moment you meet someone else and then switching everything over there. What the eff is that?
I can't be responsible for the assumption of motives and "I really didn't think you wanted me to...." statements. Look back at the texts and things and don't assume stupid things. There needs to be some sort of alpha/beta hybrid male that meshes the best of both worlds. I'm tired of stupid betas, looking at themselves in the mirror and thinking they're seeing another fish. IT'S EFFING YOU.
Then I get a little resigned to it all. And I think, okay, you made progress there because you didn't cry or throw things or whatever one may do in this type of situation. I remember being depressed on my days off, just wanting to sleep and be alone and having someone who knew that still get up in my face. I remember coming back from the gym after work and wanting to break up and wondering what would happen since we live in the same apartment. I remember thinking that moving for a new job was the only way out, and then, in a radical shift in events, it actually happened. I remember the shame and discomfort of being touched and sexualized. Shame mostly because I didn't used to feel that way but now I do and discomfort in having to push someone away.
There were legitimate reasons I felt I had to end it and none of them had to do with wanting to move on to someone else or not being in love with him. I never ruled out getting back together -- I only ever said that it wouldn't happen soon -- as in right away. And I told him that everything would be okay and that he should move on and focus on other things so he could freaking achieve his goals of success in career and all. In fact, if he'd done that I would've had more incentive to discuss the future because with at least one person as stable as one can be in this economy, I could've much more easily moved back and figured out a job. But last time I just up and moved was to LA the first time and not having a job and dealing with all that is not something I want to do again if possible.
So sometimes the fact that he took that as like, no forever, I thought you moved on (seriously, wtf is that? We talk pretty much all the time, does it look like I was over it? For someone trying to be well-versed in the human condition, how could he get that so incredibly wrong?) is what makes me most ragey. Ask some effing real, direct questions.
It's ironic funny only because I do feel like I've returned to some Seattle-era ability with regard to kissing and dealing with all that romantic stuff I wasn't about for a while. I wasn't sure -- and I'm still not 100% sure -- that it was only a phase but I feel a lot more open to everything than I have in a while, so there is some sort of light at the end of that tunnel. Ironically.
By the time this posts I'll have moved on and need to go through the awkwardness of a summer trip to see friends, but I think this post has done its job. For now, for this instance. This is progress.
I don't even know if I can put this into words. In my head it's just a primal scream, and I feel like that's all it would be coming out. But I'm going to try and just get it out of my head so I can sleep.
Right now, at the height of emotion, I hate him. I want to enact Sub Zero's kill move and rip out his still beating heart. I want him to die sad and alone and unfulfilled. I do and yet I'm mostly angry because I don't want to feel this way at all. I want to not think about it like I used to be able to do. I don't want to feel anything. I want to feel only excitement at prospects on the horizon.
This isn't anything new. But instead of feeling sad, my only feeling is anger. I want him to just talk rather than be passive aggressive/emo on the Internet. We're freaking adults. Two weeks ago he wanted to tell me about effing Disneyland and now he can't say anything?
Is this what being replaced feels like? If he's feeling sad or scared or whatever, I was always there to help and be supportive. For a long time and now it's just done? I let him talk to me for months thinking it wasn't a great idea and now that can't happen? Eff this. I get that there is personal growth happening or whatever, but that ish should've been taken care of in this intervening months. That's what moving on meant, not just being sad up until the exact moment you meet someone else and then switching everything over there. What the eff is that?
I can't be responsible for the assumption of motives and "I really didn't think you wanted me to...." statements. Look back at the texts and things and don't assume stupid things. There needs to be some sort of alpha/beta hybrid male that meshes the best of both worlds. I'm tired of stupid betas, looking at themselves in the mirror and thinking they're seeing another fish. IT'S EFFING YOU.
Then I get a little resigned to it all. And I think, okay, you made progress there because you didn't cry or throw things or whatever one may do in this type of situation. I remember being depressed on my days off, just wanting to sleep and be alone and having someone who knew that still get up in my face. I remember coming back from the gym after work and wanting to break up and wondering what would happen since we live in the same apartment. I remember thinking that moving for a new job was the only way out, and then, in a radical shift in events, it actually happened. I remember the shame and discomfort of being touched and sexualized. Shame mostly because I didn't used to feel that way but now I do and discomfort in having to push someone away.
There were legitimate reasons I felt I had to end it and none of them had to do with wanting to move on to someone else or not being in love with him. I never ruled out getting back together -- I only ever said that it wouldn't happen soon -- as in right away. And I told him that everything would be okay and that he should move on and focus on other things so he could freaking achieve his goals of success in career and all. In fact, if he'd done that I would've had more incentive to discuss the future because with at least one person as stable as one can be in this economy, I could've much more easily moved back and figured out a job. But last time I just up and moved was to LA the first time and not having a job and dealing with all that is not something I want to do again if possible.
So sometimes the fact that he took that as like, no forever, I thought you moved on (seriously, wtf is that? We talk pretty much all the time, does it look like I was over it? For someone trying to be well-versed in the human condition, how could he get that so incredibly wrong?) is what makes me most ragey. Ask some effing real, direct questions.
It's ironic funny only because I do feel like I've returned to some Seattle-era ability with regard to kissing and dealing with all that romantic stuff I wasn't about for a while. I wasn't sure -- and I'm still not 100% sure -- that it was only a phase but I feel a lot more open to everything than I have in a while, so there is some sort of light at the end of that tunnel. Ironically.
By the time this posts I'll have moved on and need to go through the awkwardness of a summer trip to see friends, but I think this post has done its job. For now, for this instance. This is progress.
Want
Every Dress-Up Outfit Dean Pelton Has Ever Worn On "Community"
http://www.buzzfeed.com/whitneyjefferson/every-dress-up-outfit-dean-pelton-has-ever-worn-on
Ha.
Bill Murray and His Fans Walking Down The Hallway in Slow Motion
http://laughingsquid.com/bill-murray-walking-down-the-hallway-in-slow-motion-with-fans/
Friday, May 25, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Thanks, Blog
I am so thankful for this blog, dear reader, because it has prevented me from going insane during the times I thought that might happen.
When I write here it is always a true feeling -- at that moment. And then life goes on and there are great days and busy days and okay days that may or may not also make it into these annals.
But this blog is great because usually when I write in it I just want to get feelings out in the world and out of my head. Being able to stare at them is good enough. It clears my head and lets me get on with other things (usually sleep, sometimes work). It's for me, by me. Although it is composed of truths, overall it reads like fiction and is not really true. Maybe someday I can use it more like a conventional blog, with my own personal writings and not just links, but there's no reason to hate on it.
There was a time a few years ago I thought I would never return from this unrequited crush. It's so silly now, but this blog let me vent and stay positive and retain friendships.
When I felt stupid, naive, and inadequate, this blog let me get my thoughts out and move on.
When I was frustrated with my job, this blog took all of that and helped funnel it into patience and perseverance.
When I started this I loved the notion of standing on the shoulders of the giants of the past and seeing a bit of what they saw and using that to expand the view even further -- and I still do. It's just nice that this thing has turned into its own shoulder and allowed me to utilize it to better expand my own view.
When I write here it is always a true feeling -- at that moment. And then life goes on and there are great days and busy days and okay days that may or may not also make it into these annals.
But this blog is great because usually when I write in it I just want to get feelings out in the world and out of my head. Being able to stare at them is good enough. It clears my head and lets me get on with other things (usually sleep, sometimes work). It's for me, by me. Although it is composed of truths, overall it reads like fiction and is not really true. Maybe someday I can use it more like a conventional blog, with my own personal writings and not just links, but there's no reason to hate on it.
There was a time a few years ago I thought I would never return from this unrequited crush. It's so silly now, but this blog let me vent and stay positive and retain friendships.
When I felt stupid, naive, and inadequate, this blog let me get my thoughts out and move on.
When I was frustrated with my job, this blog took all of that and helped funnel it into patience and perseverance.
When I started this I loved the notion of standing on the shoulders of the giants of the past and seeing a bit of what they saw and using that to expand the view even further -- and I still do. It's just nice that this thing has turned into its own shoulder and allowed me to utilize it to better expand my own view.
Love Seat, Installation of Chairs That Spells Out "Love"
http://laughingsquid.com/love-seat-installation-of-chairs-that-spell-out-love/
I'm just ready to move on, you guys, so ready.
And then during the hard times, it sucks to not have anyone to lean on -- not really, despite what we say -- and say everything will be okay. I mean, of course my parents and things, but you know. And it's hard not to remember all those times when I was leaned on and said everything would be okay and meant it and was happy to do it to make him feel better and think resentfully that now, at my most needy time, I don't have it. It just still feels like all my defenses got taken away, slowly drained as I went through all of that to strengthen the other side, and now I'm left with nothing.
Bah. But perhaps Night Market and/or Simian Mobile Disco tonight?
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
TGIF!
18 Things We Learned From "Boy Meets World"
http://www.buzzfeed.com/lyapalater/18-things-we-learned-from-boy-meets-world
I guess sometimes I (want to?) hate him and all I want is to not feel anything.
I hate being emo; it's pretty much the worst. I want to be forward-thinking all the time and continue to be excited about the future. But sometimes it can be hard. It's easy to be excited for the future because those people haven't met me/don't know me and so don't know what they're missing. It's also a bit overwhelming, to be under pressure to make impressions. But thinking about that sometimes is a reminder that there is something in your past, and they do know what they're missing and don't care enough about you to fight/wait/want/what have you. It's not a morale booster. And it's hard to fight through, but necessary, to get to that place where it won't mean anything. But all these other people in the world got through it and they seem okay/fulfilled/happy, so I can take solace in the fact that it gets better is a truth and not just an opinion.
It's funny because I never based my happiness on anyone else, so there really isn't a reason to start now. I think it's a combination of not feeling settled/fulfilled in other areas of life, and so the fact that the one part that was, at one point, settled is now not is just...ugh. But I am going to harness that and change it, and then all that other stupid angst will die a necessary death.
I still feel like I should've written myself a letter a la HIMYM, though.
I hate being emo; it's pretty much the worst. I want to be forward-thinking all the time and continue to be excited about the future. But sometimes it can be hard. It's easy to be excited for the future because those people haven't met me/don't know me and so don't know what they're missing. It's also a bit overwhelming, to be under pressure to make impressions. But thinking about that sometimes is a reminder that there is something in your past, and they do know what they're missing and don't care enough about you to fight/wait/want/what have you. It's not a morale booster. And it's hard to fight through, but necessary, to get to that place where it won't mean anything. But all these other people in the world got through it and they seem okay/fulfilled/happy, so I can take solace in the fact that it gets better is a truth and not just an opinion.
It's funny because I never based my happiness on anyone else, so there really isn't a reason to start now. I think it's a combination of not feeling settled/fulfilled in other areas of life, and so the fact that the one part that was, at one point, settled is now not is just...ugh. But I am going to harness that and change it, and then all that other stupid angst will die a necessary death.
I still feel like I should've written myself a letter a la HIMYM, though.
Auto Correcting Blech to Bleach Is Right
Ugh, you guys, sometimes I think there's an advantage to being crazy; it keeps people involved and interested (this is purely anecdotal) for upwards of a decade. Whereas rational, take the high road, actually kind and empathetic people get left behind after less than a year? Is there something to having some crazy hold over someone that I'm missing? Blech. Time to be over this, it just occasionally, usually due to hormones, makes me an equal combo of angry and sad and questioning. Clearly if I'm not enough to obsess over for double digits I need to find my own crazy and just make it work, right? Eff being the better person. Let history look back and say that I may have done the breaking up, but he was the one who did irreparable damage to the relationship.
I will probably regret this later, but sometimes this is how I feel (with parts being how I feel sometimes and other parts being how I feel only rarely).
I will probably regret this later, but sometimes this is how I feel (with parts being how I feel sometimes and other parts being how I feel only rarely).
Monday, May 21, 2012
Straight White Male: The Lowest Difficulty Setting There Is – Whatever
http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/05/15/straight-white-male-the-lowest-difficulty-setting-there-is/
The 18 Greatest Ideas People On The Internet Have Ever Had
http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-18-best-ideas-the-internet-has-ever-had
This is exactly what I've been waiting for
Hold On Tight, An Adjustable Bookshelf Concept
http://laughingsquid.com/hold-on-tight-an-adjustable-bookshelf-concept/
Summary
To summarize, you guys:
It's time for me to stop messing around!
I don't know why this is so freeing for me (since isn't it kind of the opposite for most people?), but it is! I don't want to waste time anymore re: my life and I don't want or need to put up with people who will waste my time and/or don't feel I'm worth their time. It's harsh, but it's where I am in making things happen. It's probably softer in reality, but yeah.
Time to get into the srs bsnss of achieving the life I want! Goals and stuff! I haven't had a goal since joining TP.
This is going to be fun.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Breakthrough, you guys.
I've had a really busy, fun weekend with friends and parties and family and meeting new people -- and beer! It was also a perfect 80 degrees and sunny and not humid -- the times we have to take advantage of now, because in just a month it will get muggy and being outside will just mean sweating.
Throughout it all, I think I understand what's going on inside my brain. Running errands just now I was asking myself why I felt so sad. I wondered if moving on really just feels sad. And you know what? It does.
I realized that I'm really ready to enter whatever this next stage of my life is. For a while I just didn't feel that way. I had made the changes I needed to make for career and relationships and things, but I wasn't really ready to turn the corner. It sucks that the people I thought would be around for this aren't, but that's what happens.
I realized that I've been ready, but have just been putting it off since being ready and open for what comes along is hard. I had a great time this weekend, but it can be tiring to be out all hours of the day except for sleep! It is a lot easier to, well, not be active like that. As a result, it's easy to focus on all the good stuff in the past and think about how much easier and safer that would be. It's also hard to want something that just doesn't come along every day. Putting the time and effort and emotion into all of that just sounds exhausting.
I've mentioned here that all the typical adult things like marriage and children and the white picket fence haven't really been my dream. And still aren't. If they don't happen, I plan to live a fulfilling life in whatever way happens to be the road I take. But I've realized that it would be nice to get married. It's nice to have someone to share everything with and turn to whenever you need whatever you need. I didn't necessarily feel like this for a long time. When I was just out of college I was happy to be where I was, doing what I was doing. I didn't want to work in an office or have a real career -- since I didn't even know what that would mean! I didn't want to be in a relationship because people just seemed like jerks. And then when I was in a relationship it was great, until I felt stifled. And I left that relationship and now I'm like, you know what? I'm ready for it. I'm not going to be a Jennifer Love Hewitt type who's talking about finding the one and always being part of a couple -- but I'm ready for the person I could see myself spending the rest of my life with and making the commitment to that. If you had asked me this six months or a year or three years ago, I would've run away screaming. Is this what being an adult really means and feels like?
It's not that there haven't been people who popped up lately. But I was in the wake of all of that other stuff and in retrospect thinking I looked kind of crazy (But maybe in an endearing way? Not a wield an ax way? It's hard to be sure). Also I'm too much of a coward to talk about it and see if anyone else who was there has any insight. But it's really a longshot anyway.... So there have been diversions, but until a few weeks ago I hadn't admitted to myself that to move forward really requires being serious about this stuff. It means going out and doing things and talking to strangers and spending money. It means making new friends, which is great! It means getting over being introverted and awkward and worried that I'm too short/fat/ugly/whatever to have anyone want to hang out with me. It means letting people into my life and my past and telling them real things about me. I'm very good at keeping things on the surface, and while that can be good in some ways, with what I'm talking about it seems like a big drawback. Even in my last relationship I didn't talk about the failed semi-relationship flameouts of the past. Partly because I don't think about them a lot, but also because it meant exposing times when I was embarrassing and immature. I mean, I like to think they're not important, but they were. They shaped my life since then so I should be upfront about that.
Anyway, so moving on. It does make me sad since it means leaving behind who I've been since graduating college, basically. And it makes me scared -- which is harder to admit to than being sad -- since I can't use the past as a crutch anymore. It makes me frustrated a little with life -- why can't these great things/people/jobs just land in my lap!? But I need to focus on the good stuff -- the looking into the future and knowing that there are all these options -- and being free to say yes to all of them and the thrill of the newness and the uncertainty. I can't just spin my wheels anymore, but actually pedal forward into the future. By myself and with all of my hopes and dreams and baggage. It's freaking scary but also pretty exhilarating. I want to hold myself to this and do what I can to make it happen. If that means moving or spending money or switching jobs, then that's what it'll mean. It's funny, because I did finally admit to myself at the end of last year that I was ready to move to New York. And I feel like being ready to move to New York was the first step to getting here. And that may not happen, but it feels good to know I could do it and embrace it if I wanted to.
Throughout it all, I think I understand what's going on inside my brain. Running errands just now I was asking myself why I felt so sad. I wondered if moving on really just feels sad. And you know what? It does.
I realized that I'm really ready to enter whatever this next stage of my life is. For a while I just didn't feel that way. I had made the changes I needed to make for career and relationships and things, but I wasn't really ready to turn the corner. It sucks that the people I thought would be around for this aren't, but that's what happens.
I realized that I've been ready, but have just been putting it off since being ready and open for what comes along is hard. I had a great time this weekend, but it can be tiring to be out all hours of the day except for sleep! It is a lot easier to, well, not be active like that. As a result, it's easy to focus on all the good stuff in the past and think about how much easier and safer that would be. It's also hard to want something that just doesn't come along every day. Putting the time and effort and emotion into all of that just sounds exhausting.
I've mentioned here that all the typical adult things like marriage and children and the white picket fence haven't really been my dream. And still aren't. If they don't happen, I plan to live a fulfilling life in whatever way happens to be the road I take. But I've realized that it would be nice to get married. It's nice to have someone to share everything with and turn to whenever you need whatever you need. I didn't necessarily feel like this for a long time. When I was just out of college I was happy to be where I was, doing what I was doing. I didn't want to work in an office or have a real career -- since I didn't even know what that would mean! I didn't want to be in a relationship because people just seemed like jerks. And then when I was in a relationship it was great, until I felt stifled. And I left that relationship and now I'm like, you know what? I'm ready for it. I'm not going to be a Jennifer Love Hewitt type who's talking about finding the one and always being part of a couple -- but I'm ready for the person I could see myself spending the rest of my life with and making the commitment to that. If you had asked me this six months or a year or three years ago, I would've run away screaming. Is this what being an adult really means and feels like?
It's not that there haven't been people who popped up lately. But I was in the wake of all of that other stuff and in retrospect thinking I looked kind of crazy (But maybe in an endearing way? Not a wield an ax way? It's hard to be sure). Also I'm too much of a coward to talk about it and see if anyone else who was there has any insight. But it's really a longshot anyway.... So there have been diversions, but until a few weeks ago I hadn't admitted to myself that to move forward really requires being serious about this stuff. It means going out and doing things and talking to strangers and spending money. It means making new friends, which is great! It means getting over being introverted and awkward and worried that I'm too short/fat/ugly/whatever to have anyone want to hang out with me. It means letting people into my life and my past and telling them real things about me. I'm very good at keeping things on the surface, and while that can be good in some ways, with what I'm talking about it seems like a big drawback. Even in my last relationship I didn't talk about the failed semi-relationship flameouts of the past. Partly because I don't think about them a lot, but also because it meant exposing times when I was embarrassing and immature. I mean, I like to think they're not important, but they were. They shaped my life since then so I should be upfront about that.
Anyway, so moving on. It does make me sad since it means leaving behind who I've been since graduating college, basically. And it makes me scared -- which is harder to admit to than being sad -- since I can't use the past as a crutch anymore. It makes me frustrated a little with life -- why can't these great things/people/jobs just land in my lap!? But I need to focus on the good stuff -- the looking into the future and knowing that there are all these options -- and being free to say yes to all of them and the thrill of the newness and the uncertainty. I can't just spin my wheels anymore, but actually pedal forward into the future. By myself and with all of my hopes and dreams and baggage. It's freaking scary but also pretty exhilarating. I want to hold myself to this and do what I can to make it happen. If that means moving or spending money or switching jobs, then that's what it'll mean. It's funny, because I did finally admit to myself at the end of last year that I was ready to move to New York. And I feel like being ready to move to New York was the first step to getting here. And that may not happen, but it feels good to know I could do it and embrace it if I wanted to.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Finally?
Got to a good place yesterday, doing what everyone says not to, by talking.
I think everything is where it should be, rightly. Even though things were heightened, it all worked out. It's basically how things should be, it's just that there was all the misunderstanding there. And even though I was more open than previously, I don't see things changing right at this moment. The effort of a LDR is something I'd do if necessary, but not something I really want to do (mostly cause I'm no good at it). And although I feel like I'll move again, it's not going to be now. This is how I really feel and it's good to feel that they feel similarly.
We are finally on the same page, even if it felt like a role reversal. There is a freedom I feel to really live my life and do me and all that and see what happens. There isn't false hope there, since it's not looking that far ahead. Like, it may be it but now we can drift apart as friends do and not have the other stuff. This is how I felt last summer, but then it got tied up in other things. Which is how we got to the past week or so. It wasn't the pronouncement of another person, it was that there had been all this extra stuff that made things complicated so it was a breaking point.
I guess it's still hard to not be a little sad sometimes, but sad like it has been for a few months, not think you're going to die sad.
Okay, there's like five million things to do in town today and it's sunny and nice, so time to leave this blog behind for now.
I think everything is where it should be, rightly. Even though things were heightened, it all worked out. It's basically how things should be, it's just that there was all the misunderstanding there. And even though I was more open than previously, I don't see things changing right at this moment. The effort of a LDR is something I'd do if necessary, but not something I really want to do (mostly cause I'm no good at it). And although I feel like I'll move again, it's not going to be now. This is how I really feel and it's good to feel that they feel similarly.
We are finally on the same page, even if it felt like a role reversal. There is a freedom I feel to really live my life and do me and all that and see what happens. There isn't false hope there, since it's not looking that far ahead. Like, it may be it but now we can drift apart as friends do and not have the other stuff. This is how I felt last summer, but then it got tied up in other things. Which is how we got to the past week or so. It wasn't the pronouncement of another person, it was that there had been all this extra stuff that made things complicated so it was a breaking point.
I guess it's still hard to not be a little sad sometimes, but sad like it has been for a few months, not think you're going to die sad.
Okay, there's like five million things to do in town today and it's sunny and nice, so time to leave this blog behind for now.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Talking Points
You know what, this is actually amusing. Humorous. Funny.
I am up front with my faults and things to work on, overall. But for some reason especially in relationships of any sort. I acknowledge what I can and cannot deal with and the things that I'm working on and the things I've learned are just who I am and will be what they're going to be.
Should have been stronger. Should not have given myself hope that I purposefully didn't give him. Should have been saying that stuff all to me. Should have cut ties a long time ago. Should have stopped using it as a crutch. Should have realized that's what was happening and stopped doing it. Should have been more forthright, if that were possible, about what was going on in my brain. Part of me is relieved I didn't say anything recently while the other part of me thinks, again, forthrightness.
I've said before here that I was the one who took the burden. I did the breaking, I took the load. I've been the strong one outwardly and have in many cases have taken the more masculine role. I did so because I didn't want him to be more sad than he had to; I thought it would help in some way. However, perhaps this was the wrong way to go.
Instead of doing his own soul searching and learning and growing, it's still all on me. Well, these things are rarely ever on one person.
1. I wish he had had the balls to cut off ties back when we should've. I wish I had too, but that doesn't mean I don't wish he hadn't grown a pair and just done it. I wish I hadn't caved to his demands.
2. I wish he would have realized how unhappy I was even before leaving. How blaming me and telling me I wasn't trying hard enough and that I wasn't working through things wasn't the case.
3. I wish he'd put the light on himself and realize that he was/is incredibly selfish. I carried the load, even though it hurt, I answered all of his texts and calls and videochats even when I didn't want to talk or didn't think there was anything to say. It is now his turn to return the favor.
3a. I wish he could've have the self control to stop proclaiming his love for me and how we should be together. Early on and especially recently. I wish he had took a good hard look before badgering me to get a plane ticket to LA on what would be happening in these intervening months. You don't tell someone they should visit and talk about how far away July is if you even think it is remotely possible that you'll start seeing someone new in that time, regardless of how you think I feel.
4. I wish he would've made the effort to visit. Not at the times I said I couldn't, but the other times. And even so, I wish he would've made the effort even if I said I was busy or didn't think it was a good idea. I wish he would have fought harder here rather than just surrendering. Actions speaking louder than words and all. We make the same amount of money and I was able to get out west last year, but never had any visits east. Since January there could've been multiple visits and there was talks of good times to do so, but he never did it. But the moment I put out the time and effort...
5. This is silly, but this blog is silly. It's where I put down even things I know are stupid/irrational. But I wish he had even offered to move with me. I would've discouraged it because this isn't the place to be, but he didn't even offer. He talked about it vaguely but again, words and actions.
If he had just had some will, this could've been avoided. Instead, since we've been talking this whole time and he's been telling me all that stuff, it's like he was sucking all of my force out to help him get better and move on and now that he has,it's left me with nothing. And even though I was with him when he needed someone, now he won't do the same for me? Because perhaps I'm too angry? Eff that noise. I was a friend and now I don't get that in return? Really?
Who was I even dating this whole time? He thinks he did nothing wrong here and that then people are just hurt/angry/crazy for no reason or no fault of his. That's not how things work. I want to be happy and if each of us had done our part this wouldn't be a big deal and there wouldn't be all the feelings. No, these only arise when something has gone awry. I don't know why this is so hard to understand.
Own up to your mistakes and things you should work on. We're adults, is it too much to ask for that? Own up that you had a part in this. I was clear in shutting the door (at least for now, just to be clear again, I never shut the door forever) to not lead anyone on. You were not. Say that. Apologize for it. Say that you shouldn't have said those things, even if you thought them, and especially if they weren't true. Say you should've visited. Stop trying to compare this to a TV show, where someone wrote a storyline and character arcs and did so poorly for women and relationships. Stop saying I knew this would happen so it should be fine. No, in fact, while I realize that life has to go on and the inevitability of that, I did not know that this would happen and all of its details. In fact, you made it sound like it wasn't happening. You made it sound like if I moved back and said I wanted to be together we would.
I don't understand why this is so hard to say. It's not like it's anything that anyone really did wrong or with evil intentions, but it is what it is. In the end, stop being a douchebag. Or, embrace that you are a bit of a douchebag. Everyone who lives in LA for long enough becomes a bit douchey. You are not some perfect person, and I apologize if I failed to make that clear as I supported you in your every endeavor, you are not the emo nerdy child who has only pure intentions that people keep trouncing on. You are not entitled to superiority because you listen to sad girl music and can talk about feelings and had some legit crazy in life.
I think I'm entitled to be angry at some of it, because of how it worked out. Now the buck is passed to me but I can't lean on anyone? Now you think we can just back to talking about Disneyland?
It's mostly sad since, as I mentioned vaguely above, I was prepared to be more open to something with a quantifiable date as I move along with what I want to do and where I want to be. Visiting was going to help with that. And, since from November - June I have been super tied up with work and cannot take a vacation because the program I run goes from November - April and then our huge conference is in June, July was literally the earliest possible date for me to go anywhere. I don't know why that was so hard to believe, but I run a program that lasts a good 8 months. I have a job. You didn't put the money out to come see me, even when I gave opportunities and offered the plane tickets, so stop making me feel bad. It's sad, dear reader, because I literally would've married him, if he weren't scared of weddings.
Stop reading my blog. If you want to see what's going on with me, then just ask me directly.
Stop talking about me/us/our relationship with anyone. I don't and didn't talk about it and I'd ask the same -- even, and especially, with friends. As far as it goes, our relationship has not yet been approved for history, so it is not posting yet, and as such does not exist. No one outside of us knows the ins and outs, and anything they hear from you is one side of the story. I don't care if they choose your side since they're there and they've known you longer, but don't talk about it. If you must, then you should direct them my way so I can present my case and answer any questions that might pop up.
Stop pretending that you are a wronged party. Stop dodging your responsibility in what happened. Stop being an effing dick. Start asking yourself what you can learn rather than just reacting. Start being an adult, and a friend, since you say you are.
I am up front with my faults and things to work on, overall. But for some reason especially in relationships of any sort. I acknowledge what I can and cannot deal with and the things that I'm working on and the things I've learned are just who I am and will be what they're going to be.
Should have been stronger. Should not have given myself hope that I purposefully didn't give him. Should have been saying that stuff all to me. Should have cut ties a long time ago. Should have stopped using it as a crutch. Should have realized that's what was happening and stopped doing it. Should have been more forthright, if that were possible, about what was going on in my brain. Part of me is relieved I didn't say anything recently while the other part of me thinks, again, forthrightness.
I've said before here that I was the one who took the burden. I did the breaking, I took the load. I've been the strong one outwardly and have in many cases have taken the more masculine role. I did so because I didn't want him to be more sad than he had to; I thought it would help in some way. However, perhaps this was the wrong way to go.
Instead of doing his own soul searching and learning and growing, it's still all on me. Well, these things are rarely ever on one person.
1. I wish he had had the balls to cut off ties back when we should've. I wish I had too, but that doesn't mean I don't wish he hadn't grown a pair and just done it. I wish I hadn't caved to his demands.
2. I wish he would have realized how unhappy I was even before leaving. How blaming me and telling me I wasn't trying hard enough and that I wasn't working through things wasn't the case.
3. I wish he'd put the light on himself and realize that he was/is incredibly selfish. I carried the load, even though it hurt, I answered all of his texts and calls and videochats even when I didn't want to talk or didn't think there was anything to say. It is now his turn to return the favor.
3a. I wish he could've have the self control to stop proclaiming his love for me and how we should be together. Early on and especially recently. I wish he had took a good hard look before badgering me to get a plane ticket to LA on what would be happening in these intervening months. You don't tell someone they should visit and talk about how far away July is if you even think it is remotely possible that you'll start seeing someone new in that time, regardless of how you think I feel.
4. I wish he would've made the effort to visit. Not at the times I said I couldn't, but the other times. And even so, I wish he would've made the effort even if I said I was busy or didn't think it was a good idea. I wish he would have fought harder here rather than just surrendering. Actions speaking louder than words and all. We make the same amount of money and I was able to get out west last year, but never had any visits east. Since January there could've been multiple visits and there was talks of good times to do so, but he never did it. But the moment I put out the time and effort...
5. This is silly, but this blog is silly. It's where I put down even things I know are stupid/irrational. But I wish he had even offered to move with me. I would've discouraged it because this isn't the place to be, but he didn't even offer. He talked about it vaguely but again, words and actions.
If he had just had some will, this could've been avoided. Instead, since we've been talking this whole time and he's been telling me all that stuff, it's like he was sucking all of my force out to help him get better and move on and now that he has,it's left me with nothing. And even though I was with him when he needed someone, now he won't do the same for me? Because perhaps I'm too angry? Eff that noise. I was a friend and now I don't get that in return? Really?
Who was I even dating this whole time? He thinks he did nothing wrong here and that then people are just hurt/angry/crazy for no reason or no fault of his. That's not how things work. I want to be happy and if each of us had done our part this wouldn't be a big deal and there wouldn't be all the feelings. No, these only arise when something has gone awry. I don't know why this is so hard to understand.
Own up to your mistakes and things you should work on. We're adults, is it too much to ask for that? Own up that you had a part in this. I was clear in shutting the door (at least for now, just to be clear again, I never shut the door forever) to not lead anyone on. You were not. Say that. Apologize for it. Say that you shouldn't have said those things, even if you thought them, and especially if they weren't true. Say you should've visited. Stop trying to compare this to a TV show, where someone wrote a storyline and character arcs and did so poorly for women and relationships. Stop saying I knew this would happen so it should be fine. No, in fact, while I realize that life has to go on and the inevitability of that, I did not know that this would happen and all of its details. In fact, you made it sound like it wasn't happening. You made it sound like if I moved back and said I wanted to be together we would.
I don't understand why this is so hard to say. It's not like it's anything that anyone really did wrong or with evil intentions, but it is what it is. In the end, stop being a douchebag. Or, embrace that you are a bit of a douchebag. Everyone who lives in LA for long enough becomes a bit douchey. You are not some perfect person, and I apologize if I failed to make that clear as I supported you in your every endeavor, you are not the emo nerdy child who has only pure intentions that people keep trouncing on. You are not entitled to superiority because you listen to sad girl music and can talk about feelings and had some legit crazy in life.
I think I'm entitled to be angry at some of it, because of how it worked out. Now the buck is passed to me but I can't lean on anyone? Now you think we can just back to talking about Disneyland?
It's mostly sad since, as I mentioned vaguely above, I was prepared to be more open to something with a quantifiable date as I move along with what I want to do and where I want to be. Visiting was going to help with that. And, since from November - June I have been super tied up with work and cannot take a vacation because the program I run goes from November - April and then our huge conference is in June, July was literally the earliest possible date for me to go anywhere. I don't know why that was so hard to believe, but I run a program that lasts a good 8 months. I have a job. You didn't put the money out to come see me, even when I gave opportunities and offered the plane tickets, so stop making me feel bad. It's sad, dear reader, because I literally would've married him, if he weren't scared of weddings.
Stop reading my blog. If you want to see what's going on with me, then just ask me directly.
Stop talking about me/us/our relationship with anyone. I don't and didn't talk about it and I'd ask the same -- even, and especially, with friends. As far as it goes, our relationship has not yet been approved for history, so it is not posting yet, and as such does not exist. No one outside of us knows the ins and outs, and anything they hear from you is one side of the story. I don't care if they choose your side since they're there and they've known you longer, but don't talk about it. If you must, then you should direct them my way so I can present my case and answer any questions that might pop up.
Stop pretending that you are a wronged party. Stop dodging your responsibility in what happened. Stop being an effing dick. Start asking yourself what you can learn rather than just reacting. Start being an adult, and a friend, since you say you are.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Thoughts on Thoughts and Thoughts on Translating Thoughts to "Paper"
Whenever I'm at home I always look through the things in my childhood bedroom -- thinking I'm going to stumble across something I'd long forgotten about or lost along the way. Since this happens every couple of weeks on average, nothing really changes. The same books are on the bookshelves, divided into the ones I'm going to eventually move into my apartment (for real!) and the ones that will stay here. Some of them are embarrassing and some I haven't even read all the way through, but they all remind me of a time in my life and a feeling that I had.
My embarrassing, embarrassing writings of adolescence are in the drawers -- and sometimes I pull them out and cringe at what I wrote but never, ever about how I felt. Those were true emotions from a time when things were pretty simple and unhurried and unworried in a way they are now. I don't feel bad about how I felt then, even if I expressed it poorly, and it reminds me of my childhood. I know not everyone has the ability to say they had a good childhood, so I know how privileged I am to have had one. When the deepest, most painful experience of your life is the Flyers being swept by the Red Wings in the 1997 Stanley Cup Finals -- well there isn't much to complain about is there? Or there needs to be a serious evaluation over the priority of sports teams in my life. (But you guys, that team, that time -- IT WAS MAGIC. And only an awful Phillies team could pull me out of the summer-long depression that caused.)
Most of it was benign -- lots of lists and what I did when I rode my bike during the summer and typical musings when one hasn't graduated into secondary life. Then it moved on to what music I listened to and what movies I wanted to see. It included concerts I attended and my feelings on school and life. When I got tired of writing in its pages I printed out emails I was proud of (long live Juno!) and folded them up in there. Also, print outs from an early internet. I would write on hotel stationery letters to friends and then never send them; their pages finding a home tucked in chronological order to allow me to go back and read exactly how I felt that summer when we were on vacation in Vermont that year.
It also housed those feelings of first thoughts in chat rooms and on the Internet, talking with people from all over the world and wondering who they really were. Feeling older than I was or younger than I was or really smart or extremely inexperienced -- it was confusing, but it was a world opening up in front of me. It also got into details of childhood crushes and the analyzation of every detail of every fleeting visit -- I really don't think I would have the patience for that anymore.
Some of my last writings handle my feelings upon hearing news regarding a beloved high school teacher. This was sophomore year of college and they are probably some of the last things in there. By college I had created a blog -- this blog -- which has sustained me at various times for what is now almost a decade. I can type faster than I can write, can type fast enough to keep up with the thoughts shooting through my head. For a long time I never advertised the blog -- it just existed as an online journal. It's never really gone into huge detail -- naming names or addresses, vaguely addressing times and places. For some reason the idea of putting it all out there just wasn't necessary (I didn't want anyone tying it to me!). I didn't really think of the safety concerns as the number one reason, although now I would.
There were years in college, the years of AIM conversations and profiles, where I would link to the blog and keep a date there to show when it was last updated. By then most of the posts were lists or AIM convos or links to articles I was reading. It is a snapshot of my life then, in some way, but it had lost the handwritten journal aspect -- but not the stuffed pages into the journal end. I could be certain that anyone on my AIM list might read it, but really, few else.
And that's sort of how it's existed -- post-AIM it mostly languished as life got busy away from a computer. However, this blog has always been my go-to in this now digital age to writing down my thoughts -- whether funny or sad or happy -- as well as to use it as one long digital post-it note. Especially now, after years of wrecking my wrists via coffee, it is easiest and fastest and most convenient for me to just send something out here. I think I can count on one hand the people that read it regularly -- and it certainly isn't something I want to go viral. That's probably why I've resisted the Wordpress and Tumblr trends -- I don't really want random people seeing it because it's not meant for them.
It's not even meant for you, if you're reading it. It's meant for me. It is a highlight of my thoughts and feelings right then at the moment I sent something out there -- even if they are super cringe-worthy and embarrassing in retrospect. I don't delete posts, even though I really want to sometimes, because I don't want to lose it. Looking back I can read over something and pale in horror at how (insert adjective here) I felt, since I got over that in a day or week or hour. It is not well-written and it is not updated regularly. I will probably go the rest of the year without posting anything substantive. And it is not an accounting of who I am as a person -- if anything it is not even anything really close to who I am, since it mostly chronicles my highs and lows and then inane things I find on the internet. I'm certain there are points and nuggets of information into my psyche -- it is not untrue, but just heightened.
Even the posts from a couple days ago already feel stupid. When people check in I embarrassingly smile and say, oh, I'm fine rather than what I really want to do is be like, don't read that blog post it's so embarrassing or don't mind that text I wanted it back right after I sent it out (although I don't, just fyi -- that was a great text). I don't really want them to look at me through the lens of this blog because it doesn't tell the whole story. It is snapshots. But they are there and it is an internet presence and something that has been with me for so long that it is part of me; it is a digital extension of the Peter Rabbit journal from childhood. And I know they don't --you don't-- the list of people checking this and reading this far is so small, so carefully curated by mistake, that you see it for what it's worth.
But I don't apologize for it and hope that it didn't sound like that. I don't apologize for being happy or sad or ruminating on life things that were actually really stupid. All I'm saying is that this isn't a blog like what blogs have become. This is my blog, for me, from a time back in the wilds of the early internet and I have no desire to change it. If I want a commercial blog I'll start a new one. But this one is mine.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Running List
LA Things, list may expand as I remember more
Cages (you guys, this book, you guys)
Blankets (the book, y'all; he was just at Meltdown and why must I keep missing him!)
Afghan (family things, you know how that goes)
Posters -- Electronic Night at the Hammer, Hit It Here Junior, Meltdown Mustache
Bathing suits (all; necessary if I go to the Cape for the Fourth!)
Collapsible crate
Stash of pills/hygiene items (this sounds illegal but is basically sleeping pills and other things I got from a doctor, I swear. It is also probably enough sample Crest whitestrips to do the whole program)
Field hockey sticks
Big Ten plates (Purdue, Wisconsin)
Shot glasses (21st bday present!)
Washington mug
Good Earth tea
West Wing script book
I miss that yoga mat, but that isn't the type of thing one spends more money on shipping across the country than buying new.
Someday I will have the bear painting in my possession. Reminder to set up some sort of payment plan to acquire legally.
Cages (you guys, this book, you guys)
Blankets (the book, y'all; he was just at Meltdown and why must I keep missing him!)
Afghan (family things, you know how that goes)
Posters -- Electronic Night at the Hammer, Hit It Here Junior, Meltdown Mustache
Bathing suits (all; necessary if I go to the Cape for the Fourth!)
Collapsible crate
Stash of pills/hygiene items (this sounds illegal but is basically sleeping pills and other things I got from a doctor, I swear. It is also probably enough sample Crest whitestrips to do the whole program)
Field hockey sticks
Big Ten plates (Purdue, Wisconsin)
Shot glasses (21st bday present!)
Washington mug
Good Earth tea
West Wing script book
I miss that yoga mat, but that isn't the type of thing one spends more money on shipping across the country than buying new.
Someday I will have the bear painting in my possession. Reminder to set up some sort of payment plan to acquire legally.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Relapse?
The purging of the stuff is the worst, especially because now it's not only physical but also digital. I'm not a believer in AIM era justice of blocking, but the last time I had to do this the only real social network was Facebook and all you could do was block. There was no twitter or lists or asynchronous follow. There wasn't a news feed or status updates yet so.... Yeah. I don't count MySpace, for some reason. It's like Harry Potter, I never really got it, although evidence would say I had an atrocious profile that I created to look as specifically horrible as possible.
Anyway, it's going to take some thought. Blocking works because then they are as truly erased from your consciousness as they can be on an internet that keeps everything. Everything up until that allows you to not see it up front -- but if you just pull back the curtain a bit and do some simple digging, it's all right there for you to read and fall into a rabbit hole and cry about.
So I don't really know what to do, since it all just sucks. I haven't done anything with the stuff that's physically within my eye line here. I don't look at it and have it make me feel bad yet, so it might stay. I just redecorated and everything is in a good place, so why mess with it, ya know?
It's hard right now. It's the weekend and I don't have work to keep my thoughts occupied. It's hard because on one hand I want to talk or text and just be strong enough to deal with it and muck through without upending my life.
But I don't know if that's even possible. When I explain my feelings for the past couple of months, it gets complicated. Partly job, partly things you think about when you live alone, but it's hard to admit to myself that I had harbored hope even though I didn't want to and didn't want him to, because that's the sort of ish that prevents people from moving on.
I have no interest in dating, so even though I was/am single, to admit I used it as a crutch is one of those things I didn't want to admit to myself. Even when it had just happened and I had to tell friends, I would say oh, who knows maybe we'll get back together but it's a necessary break now. I should've just said it sucks and it hurts and left it at that, since once you repeat things a lot you start to believe it.
For some reason it's also hard because a lot of the active people on line are mutual friends that were his friends first. I feel like I can't be authentic with my feelings as a result, because when I want to scream into the abyss there would be people reading it that I don't want to be in the middle in any way shape or form. And whether it's true or not, I feel like they are his and anything I feel is less valid. As someone mentioned, it feels useless to agonize and angst over something that technically happened nine months ago. And it feels stupid and so so irrational to want the big gesture.
It's a grieving process that had to happen -- reassurances from lovely people that have been through it or are going through it now have been much appreciated. And talking to friends that I've been neglecting has been so nice. It really reminds me that I gave great friends and am glad to know them and need to text them how appreciated they are!
A woman stopped me last night and wanted information on getting to a women's shelter. She had finally left her abusive partner and didn't want to go back, but the system was so hard, the hoops she had to go through to just get to a bed. I felt awful that all I could offer was words to try and help and say that she was on the right path and offer encouragement to not give up. I wanted to know more and do more. It reminded me so critically that my struggle is so minor and that there are so many people out there I want to help and do some good and make some positive change on the world. My job right now is putting me on the track for more, but I want to be doing more now. I need to aim to get to a place where I can offer more than just verbal support. Scratch the need to, I AM aiming myself toward that.
Anyway, it's going to take some thought. Blocking works because then they are as truly erased from your consciousness as they can be on an internet that keeps everything. Everything up until that allows you to not see it up front -- but if you just pull back the curtain a bit and do some simple digging, it's all right there for you to read and fall into a rabbit hole and cry about.
So I don't really know what to do, since it all just sucks. I haven't done anything with the stuff that's physically within my eye line here. I don't look at it and have it make me feel bad yet, so it might stay. I just redecorated and everything is in a good place, so why mess with it, ya know?
It's hard right now. It's the weekend and I don't have work to keep my thoughts occupied. It's hard because on one hand I want to talk or text and just be strong enough to deal with it and muck through without upending my life.
But I don't know if that's even possible. When I explain my feelings for the past couple of months, it gets complicated. Partly job, partly things you think about when you live alone, but it's hard to admit to myself that I had harbored hope even though I didn't want to and didn't want him to, because that's the sort of ish that prevents people from moving on.
I have no interest in dating, so even though I was/am single, to admit I used it as a crutch is one of those things I didn't want to admit to myself. Even when it had just happened and I had to tell friends, I would say oh, who knows maybe we'll get back together but it's a necessary break now. I should've just said it sucks and it hurts and left it at that, since once you repeat things a lot you start to believe it.
For some reason it's also hard because a lot of the active people on line are mutual friends that were his friends first. I feel like I can't be authentic with my feelings as a result, because when I want to scream into the abyss there would be people reading it that I don't want to be in the middle in any way shape or form. And whether it's true or not, I feel like they are his and anything I feel is less valid. As someone mentioned, it feels useless to agonize and angst over something that technically happened nine months ago. And it feels stupid and so so irrational to want the big gesture.
It's a grieving process that had to happen -- reassurances from lovely people that have been through it or are going through it now have been much appreciated. And talking to friends that I've been neglecting has been so nice. It really reminds me that I gave great friends and am glad to know them and need to text them how appreciated they are!
A woman stopped me last night and wanted information on getting to a women's shelter. She had finally left her abusive partner and didn't want to go back, but the system was so hard, the hoops she had to go through to just get to a bed. I felt awful that all I could offer was words to try and help and say that she was on the right path and offer encouragement to not give up. I wanted to know more and do more. It reminded me so critically that my struggle is so minor and that there are so many people out there I want to help and do some good and make some positive change on the world. My job right now is putting me on the track for more, but I want to be doing more now. I need to aim to get to a place where I can offer more than just verbal support. Scratch the need to, I AM aiming myself toward that.
Friday, May 11, 2012
48 Hours Later (aka Headlines Are Hard)
Well, it's been a good couple days worth of hours and I do feel much more clarity and calm. Not that it's going to stay that way forever, but there is a lot less of a chance that I will be crying on the train to or from work. Whenever these things happen, the focus is always one hour at a time, one day at a time. It's hard, though, to not look at the big picture and analyze things that did or didn't happen -- especially when you're that type of person anyway.
I remember the weight of the burden being lifted off my shoulders when breaking off the relationship. It wasn't even about not loving him or wanting to move on -- it was that I had been suffering under the pressure of what it meant to be in a relationship and feeling trapped and guilty for everything that was going on (or not going on, as it were). As I mentioned earlier, I didn't think we were serving any purposes staying together when we were so far apart with no reunion in sight. I didn't think it was healthy to tie either of us up in that when I wasn't even sure I could give him what he wanted.
In the past, I've found it better to just leave it be and cut off contact. The time I was able to do this means that I haven't seen or heard from them in several years -- but when I think back to that time in my life, I don't harbor any resentment or bitterness or even nostalgia. I am happy that I moved on and was able to do what I was able to do since then. The other time, more closely aligned with now, was messier, when contact couldn't be broken. It always gets messier when mutual friends are involved, and being in the college bubble never helps. There is a lot more baggage and reminders of what was and while we don't communicate anymore I do admit that I have feelings there (not good feelings or wishing we'd get back together feelings, other feelings along the lines of bitterness) that I wish would just go away.
I should've put my foot down last summer and we should've left each other alone for the past nine months. We did, for part of the time. But having that nine months of not communicating and hearing about things now would be a lot easier than what happened. And I do get frustrated and wish that he could've just done it for once and that I didn't have to be the one to do it for once, be the villain, make the hard decision.
Everyone always wants to stay friends, and it's true that that may not be possible -- especially in cases of such deep feeling. But the idea of losing someone who had been my whole world for a few years was too hard. I was strong enough to break it off, but I was not strong enough to put my foot down and have us move on. That's why I'm where I am now. Instead, we've talked and texted and video chatted and he's told me how much he misses me and thinks we should be together and loves me. He's asked me when I'll visit and then said that's too far away and planned for things to do.
That's why it's so hard right now. Because instead of having nine months to think about it and learn how to reacclimate to the world and know that he's done the same, I've only heard how nothing has changed. For the first six months I was strong in my resolve. I knew I didn't want to get back together and that it wouldn't be the right thing for us since he is staying where he is and I'm where I am and I was still trying to figure out how I feel about relationships in general. But the last few months have been harder. I've been in my job now over a year, but I already know that it is not a job I want to stay at forever. I want to move to another nonprofit more closely aligned with what I want to do and that could be anywhere. I could move back to LA or Seattle and settle down there again. I guess I know change will happen career-wise in the next couple of years and I didn't necessarily have that feeling in the past year because I was just figuring out how to work in an office again. So I was more open to talking and visiting (He hasn't been east, I had tickets out west for July) things because I guess I thought there was a reason to think that we could be reunited sooner rather than later.
But now, it just feels like a betrayal. Now he says he still loves me and all that -- and I know he is being truthful and not knowingly being a douche -- but it rings hollow. Even if rationally I understand it, irrationally it would be better if he didn't say anything or said he hated me, because saying you love someone and then moving on without them just feels super crappy. And now everything that's happened recently I keep second guessing -- whether or not those conversations were because he already knew he would be moving on or those posts that were fiction were actually kind of non-fictiony.
Last time when things got messy it was also because there seemed to be some sort of glimmer of hope, some window cracked somewhere, that told him we could be together and just weren't. I didn't want that to be the case this time, because it prevents people from moving on and dealing with emotions. So of course I went through most of this time saying that we were not going to be back together. He thought I had moved on months ago.
This last point is especially hard to deal with. When the person you've spent so much time with that knows you better than anyone says how he thought you moved on because you didn't say how hard it was or anything along those lines -- well, 1) I have said over and over again how hard it was and that it hurt me just as much as it hurt him and 2) shouldn't he be the one who knew me well enough to know that even if I didn't say it (because I've always been the strong one) I was still hurting?
Although it hurts not to feel special and all those things I mentioned earlier, in talking with friends it really hurts most because of its finality. We had talked about how things were changing and when we met up again we would be in different places in our lives. But that's not really going to be the case, looking at the picture right now. This is it. This is final. Our paths have truly diverged and we may never see each other again. I don't do well with waffling. I've left jobs and moved on and left people and moved on. So the fact that this seems to be it is what hurts the most. I don't want to talk about it anymore because it's just circles -- but I do want to talk or fight just to prolong it for a few more minutes. Even if I did the breaking up last year, it feels like he did the breaking up two days ago.
And now I have to do the decisions like figuring out how to handle social media and canceling plane tickets and getting rid of all the things that remind me of him and get him to send me the things I want that are still out in California. I don't think I can do all of them now. I will take a few days and deal with things and handle things as they come along. Now that everyone's networked, it really truly kind of sucks. Even seven years ago when it was just Facebook and not everyone had it, it wasn't this hard. I know that I'll slip and that it's going to really take self control, but I'll get it all taken care of. 18 hours ago I couldn't even handle my emotions on the train, and now I've been able to get through the day without anything -- unless I have to talk about it. And that's okay then, because someone is on the other side reassuring me it's okay to feel this way and that it's normal and it's what has to be done to move on. And even writing this blog post has made me feel sad -- but it's also been helpful. And I know when I post it and actually do work at work I can do so without having to go to the bathroom or blow my nose. It's one step at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
What I Know
Last time I poured my heart out to this blog in the wake of a "relationship" situation was more than half a decade ago. I'll admit to several posts off the top of my head since then that were pretty high on the emo/melodramatic scale, but none of those even came close to that one night and that one post.
I pride myself on being very independent and very rational in most ways. I see all sides of the coin and I understand the reasoning behind it. Overall, I find this to be a useful characteristic. However, one can only rely on this side for so much. Even though I clearly, rationally understand what's happening right now, it's not enough to know that this was going to happen, to remember that I prepared myself for this and that it was truly inevitable.
This isn't anything new to my blog or to the internet or to the human existence over the span of time. I'm only one of hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people, undergoing the same wave of feelings right at this moment and one of billions of people through time that have undergone the same situation and felt the same way. And yet, to each of us, whenever it happens, whether it was years ago or months ago or right now, it feels like we are completely alone and that no one can understand what we're going through. We are inconsolable, even if we explained on the phone only hours ago that we understood this was going to happen and that we knew it was going to happen and that we tried to be prepared. No one can be prepared.
Approximately nine months ago I ended a relationship, although you could easily make the case that it ended several months before then, when I moved across the country to take up a new job. You wouldn't be completely wrong, especially if you knew that for several months before then I had been waffling and wondering about the relationship and if it was right. On one hand, the idea of a future was not completely terrifying. On the other hand, I would switch between feelings of feeling stifled and wanting to break up and move on. The idea of hurting someone I cared for, though, and the fact that these feelings would then go away and life would continue on normally, made me think I was feeling the effects of other life stressors -- realizing that it's been half a decade since I graduated college and I wasn't putting my degree to use or saving money for the future and all of that.
We broke up because I was not willing to put the time in to keep that relationship going. I have always been bad at keeping up with people once we move away, and unfortunately this was no different. I felt that taking this job was the right thing to do to get into the area of work I really want to do, and moving across the country for it was a sacrifice I knew I had to make. I didn't want the regret of not taking this job and I didn't want to come to resent anyone for not taking it either.
We also broke up because I was not going to tie him down in a relationship that was not equal. We both loved each other and cared for each other and wanted the best for each other -- I believe in him and what he wants to do and that he should be doing it. And I miss the comfort and companionship there. But I am not interested in the physical aspects of a relationship. I don't mind the cuddling and the hugging, but I had no desire to do the kissing and anything beyond that. This wasn't always the case, but it became the case over the course of time. And it is not just him, I don't feel any desire to do that with anyone and haven't had that desire even since we broke up.
I am not sure what this means and have been pondering it for a long time. I am not sure if it is just a phase that will work its way through me or if I am asexual. The idea of living my life without a companion has never freaked me out and I have never really been overcome with the desire to have the kind of sex people talk about and write about and act out in the movies. I have never put labels on myself, although there are many there, so I wasn't about to with this. However, if I am it becomes just another part of what makes up myself, and I am comfortable with that.
What I'm not comfortable with is keeping up a relationship with someone sexual when it is what they want and I am not prepared to give it to them. I was never pressured into doing anything I didn't want to, but the pressure of knowing that's what he wanted and not what I wanted weighed on me for a long time, even before I left for this new job and long before we officially broke up. That burden was a lot -- I did feel inadequate and that I wasn't doing enough in that area. It was hard enough when we lived in the same apartment, but when I was 3000 miles away?
It was inevitable. And I was perfectly fine playing the "villain" although neither of us had done anything wrong and no one had ever even said that they felt that way or blamed me. But I was the one who had done the breaking up and was not willing to put in the effort. I was the one who wasn't fulfilling my end of the bargain, so I felt it was my fault and I was willing to take the blame. I did feel bad and it was hard for me to get over last summer. But I wasn't going to write emo tweets or blog about it because I was able to tell myself it was the right thing to do, for both of us. I just want to state now, for the record, that it killed me as much as it did him and the knowledge of causing so much pain there was not easy.
With all of this, I have told myself in the past few months that we would both move on and it was the right thing to do to prepare myself for this. As mentioned above, I knew I would not be the one moving on first with another actual party. Tipsy rants from Christmastime not withstanding -- that was the first time I felt that there might be a glimmer of hope, that all was not lost in the world -- I have made no foray into the world of dating and haven't had any real desire to. When I come home each day from work, it is to recharge for the next day. I am not naturally extroverted like that and the idea of making new friends is, frankly, terrifying.
I knew he would be the first to do it -- and I am happy for that and know it is the right thing -- but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like a pain that I hadn't felt in a long time. That time in January several years ago was the worst -- and that was over someone who was nothing, it was over the loss of innocence and the realization of adulthood and what that meant. This feels the same except magnified, since this is someone real, who I'd call my best friend and who I lived with and paid bills with and shared parts of my life where we only had each other to lean on.
It hurts because it means the feelings he has for me are no longer as special -- there is someone else who he feels that way about and wants to be with and fantasizes about. It means -- or it feels like it means, right at this moment, that I am no longer special. There is no one out there right now in the world that thinks of me and only me in that light. It is selfish and my rational being will tell me to get over it and move on and I know I will cause I am strong and independent but right now it makes me feel faint and short of breath and nauseous and like I am stuck in this abyss and I will never recover. It makes me feel like no one will ever feel that way about me again and it magnifies all the doubts I have about ending the relationship. Doubts which I still have, since it's hard not to ask yourself whether it was really the right thing to do.
I feel like I cannot complain to anyone. I don't want to air my dirty laundry on twitter or facebook -- and there is no real dirty laundry to air. We have been broken up for months and no one was in the wrong. But the people I think of as mutual friends and shouldn't have to choose sides and I hope they haven't chosen sides and yet I feel like they have and that anything from me feels hollow. And I know that there are good friends that I can call and they would listen to me and make me feel better about myself and the situation but they are living their own lives in Boston and Chicago and LA and other places and I don't want to be the person calling up in tears asking them to take the time to console me. I want to be beyond that.
I want to be satisfied with my life -- like I am most of the time -- and not be sad. I don't want to see things and think of someone or feel like I need to put all of those things -- letters and cards and presents -- away in a box and shove it in a closet or burn it or whatever people do with those things now.
I don't want to be mean or angry either, cause I'm neither of those things. But I don't want to talk about it and I don't want to talk for a long, long time. I want my posters and my field hockey sticks and I don't want to go to California in July. I kept up communication for a long time because I thought it was good and because I was asked to, but now I don't know if I can. It's the worst because it's always the worst when you lose the person you could tell anything to, but this is the moment where things are real and it is what I need.
In times of extreme emotional distress this has always been my M.O. My relationships with sports is the perfect example. Last night, in the wake of a hugely disappointing elimination I did not read anything about it. I did not read the sports section of the papers today and avoided blog articles and didn't have any conversations with anyone about it. And, in a few days, I will be back to normal. I will be able to talk about next year and not feel the weight of that loss. Maybe this sounds trite, but I have a huge emotional attachment to my sports teams, and after things like this distance has always worked. It also worked several years ago. After a day that went by in a blur -- although it was winter break so it was nice to not have the burden of trying to work through my ish while also ramping up for an annual conference -- I was able to push it all behind and not think or talk about it and progress forward. I can't say it didn't change me -- and that this won't change me -- but I know it will let me survive without losing my mind or becoming bitter or angry or anything else that happens at these times.
Just writing this down has been cathartic. I know it won't last forever and there will be lots of crying into pillows in the future, but right now I feel a sense of calm. I don't feel like my knees are going to buckle or I'm going to throw up. I feel like I can make myself dinner and go about tonight. I know that tomorrow, as a new day, will shed a whole new light on things and that being insanely busy at work right now is actually a good thing. I know this.
I pride myself on being very independent and very rational in most ways. I see all sides of the coin and I understand the reasoning behind it. Overall, I find this to be a useful characteristic. However, one can only rely on this side for so much. Even though I clearly, rationally understand what's happening right now, it's not enough to know that this was going to happen, to remember that I prepared myself for this and that it was truly inevitable.
This isn't anything new to my blog or to the internet or to the human existence over the span of time. I'm only one of hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people, undergoing the same wave of feelings right at this moment and one of billions of people through time that have undergone the same situation and felt the same way. And yet, to each of us, whenever it happens, whether it was years ago or months ago or right now, it feels like we are completely alone and that no one can understand what we're going through. We are inconsolable, even if we explained on the phone only hours ago that we understood this was going to happen and that we knew it was going to happen and that we tried to be prepared. No one can be prepared.
Approximately nine months ago I ended a relationship, although you could easily make the case that it ended several months before then, when I moved across the country to take up a new job. You wouldn't be completely wrong, especially if you knew that for several months before then I had been waffling and wondering about the relationship and if it was right. On one hand, the idea of a future was not completely terrifying. On the other hand, I would switch between feelings of feeling stifled and wanting to break up and move on. The idea of hurting someone I cared for, though, and the fact that these feelings would then go away and life would continue on normally, made me think I was feeling the effects of other life stressors -- realizing that it's been half a decade since I graduated college and I wasn't putting my degree to use or saving money for the future and all of that.
We broke up because I was not willing to put the time in to keep that relationship going. I have always been bad at keeping up with people once we move away, and unfortunately this was no different. I felt that taking this job was the right thing to do to get into the area of work I really want to do, and moving across the country for it was a sacrifice I knew I had to make. I didn't want the regret of not taking this job and I didn't want to come to resent anyone for not taking it either.
We also broke up because I was not going to tie him down in a relationship that was not equal. We both loved each other and cared for each other and wanted the best for each other -- I believe in him and what he wants to do and that he should be doing it. And I miss the comfort and companionship there. But I am not interested in the physical aspects of a relationship. I don't mind the cuddling and the hugging, but I had no desire to do the kissing and anything beyond that. This wasn't always the case, but it became the case over the course of time. And it is not just him, I don't feel any desire to do that with anyone and haven't had that desire even since we broke up.
I am not sure what this means and have been pondering it for a long time. I am not sure if it is just a phase that will work its way through me or if I am asexual. The idea of living my life without a companion has never freaked me out and I have never really been overcome with the desire to have the kind of sex people talk about and write about and act out in the movies. I have never put labels on myself, although there are many there, so I wasn't about to with this. However, if I am it becomes just another part of what makes up myself, and I am comfortable with that.
What I'm not comfortable with is keeping up a relationship with someone sexual when it is what they want and I am not prepared to give it to them. I was never pressured into doing anything I didn't want to, but the pressure of knowing that's what he wanted and not what I wanted weighed on me for a long time, even before I left for this new job and long before we officially broke up. That burden was a lot -- I did feel inadequate and that I wasn't doing enough in that area. It was hard enough when we lived in the same apartment, but when I was 3000 miles away?
It was inevitable. And I was perfectly fine playing the "villain" although neither of us had done anything wrong and no one had ever even said that they felt that way or blamed me. But I was the one who had done the breaking up and was not willing to put in the effort. I was the one who wasn't fulfilling my end of the bargain, so I felt it was my fault and I was willing to take the blame. I did feel bad and it was hard for me to get over last summer. But I wasn't going to write emo tweets or blog about it because I was able to tell myself it was the right thing to do, for both of us. I just want to state now, for the record, that it killed me as much as it did him and the knowledge of causing so much pain there was not easy.
With all of this, I have told myself in the past few months that we would both move on and it was the right thing to do to prepare myself for this. As mentioned above, I knew I would not be the one moving on first with another actual party. Tipsy rants from Christmastime not withstanding -- that was the first time I felt that there might be a glimmer of hope, that all was not lost in the world -- I have made no foray into the world of dating and haven't had any real desire to. When I come home each day from work, it is to recharge for the next day. I am not naturally extroverted like that and the idea of making new friends is, frankly, terrifying.
I knew he would be the first to do it -- and I am happy for that and know it is the right thing -- but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like a pain that I hadn't felt in a long time. That time in January several years ago was the worst -- and that was over someone who was nothing, it was over the loss of innocence and the realization of adulthood and what that meant. This feels the same except magnified, since this is someone real, who I'd call my best friend and who I lived with and paid bills with and shared parts of my life where we only had each other to lean on.
It hurts because it means the feelings he has for me are no longer as special -- there is someone else who he feels that way about and wants to be with and fantasizes about. It means -- or it feels like it means, right at this moment, that I am no longer special. There is no one out there right now in the world that thinks of me and only me in that light. It is selfish and my rational being will tell me to get over it and move on and I know I will cause I am strong and independent but right now it makes me feel faint and short of breath and nauseous and like I am stuck in this abyss and I will never recover. It makes me feel like no one will ever feel that way about me again and it magnifies all the doubts I have about ending the relationship. Doubts which I still have, since it's hard not to ask yourself whether it was really the right thing to do.
I feel like I cannot complain to anyone. I don't want to air my dirty laundry on twitter or facebook -- and there is no real dirty laundry to air. We have been broken up for months and no one was in the wrong. But the people I think of as mutual friends and shouldn't have to choose sides and I hope they haven't chosen sides and yet I feel like they have and that anything from me feels hollow. And I know that there are good friends that I can call and they would listen to me and make me feel better about myself and the situation but they are living their own lives in Boston and Chicago and LA and other places and I don't want to be the person calling up in tears asking them to take the time to console me. I want to be beyond that.
I want to be satisfied with my life -- like I am most of the time -- and not be sad. I don't want to see things and think of someone or feel like I need to put all of those things -- letters and cards and presents -- away in a box and shove it in a closet or burn it or whatever people do with those things now.
I don't want to be mean or angry either, cause I'm neither of those things. But I don't want to talk about it and I don't want to talk for a long, long time. I want my posters and my field hockey sticks and I don't want to go to California in July. I kept up communication for a long time because I thought it was good and because I was asked to, but now I don't know if I can. It's the worst because it's always the worst when you lose the person you could tell anything to, but this is the moment where things are real and it is what I need.
In times of extreme emotional distress this has always been my M.O. My relationships with sports is the perfect example. Last night, in the wake of a hugely disappointing elimination I did not read anything about it. I did not read the sports section of the papers today and avoided blog articles and didn't have any conversations with anyone about it. And, in a few days, I will be back to normal. I will be able to talk about next year and not feel the weight of that loss. Maybe this sounds trite, but I have a huge emotional attachment to my sports teams, and after things like this distance has always worked. It also worked several years ago. After a day that went by in a blur -- although it was winter break so it was nice to not have the burden of trying to work through my ish while also ramping up for an annual conference -- I was able to push it all behind and not think or talk about it and progress forward. I can't say it didn't change me -- and that this won't change me -- but I know it will let me survive without losing my mind or becoming bitter or angry or anything else that happens at these times.
Just writing this down has been cathartic. I know it won't last forever and there will be lots of crying into pillows in the future, but right now I feel a sense of calm. I don't feel like my knees are going to buckle or I'm going to throw up. I feel like I can make myself dinner and go about tonight. I know that tomorrow, as a new day, will shed a whole new light on things and that being insanely busy at work right now is actually a good thing. I know this.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Anatomical Cross-Sections In Paper
Anatomical Cross-Sections In Paper
http://www.buzzfeed.com/room187/tissue-series-anatomical-cross-sections-in-paper-5ihr
We have obviously reached our peak as a civilization with this...
Toastabags, Reusable Sleeves to Make Pop-up Toaster Grilled Cheese Sandwiches
http://laughingsquid.com/toastabags-reusable-sleeves-to-make-pop-up-toaster-grilled-cheese-sandwiches/
This Is Amazing!
Seriously, you guys, I want an entire apartment of cardboard furniture, but the bed and underbed drawers are at the top of my list.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Article: Astonishing Animation of Transportation Routes Encircling Earth
Astonishing Animation of Transportation Routes Encircling Earth
http://laughingsquid.com/astonishing-animation-of-transportation-routes-encircling-earth/
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Childhood of a Circle, A Retro Animated Children’s Story
Childhood of a Circle, A Retro Animated Children's Story
http://laughingsquid.com/childhood-of-a-circle-a-retro-animated-childrens-story/
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Article: Why Enigma's "Sadeness" Could Never Exist Today | The Hairpin
You guys, 90s childhoods.
Why Enigma's "Sadeness" Could Never Exist Today | The Hairpin
http://thehairpin.com/2011/07/why-enigmas-sadeness-could-never-exist-today
(Sent from Flipboard)
Sent from my iPad
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
@uwishunu, 2/23/12 2:48 PM
 uwishunu Philly (@uwishunu)2/23/12 2:48 PM Our picks for the best places for Brunch in Philadelphia vstphl.ly/Abn8SF include @CafeEstelle @GreenEggsCafe @StandardTap & more |
Sent from my iPad
Monday, February 20, 2012
9 Hyperrealistic Images Of Food
lindaswank@gmail.com thought you might like this buzz from BuzzFeed.com:
9 Hyperrealistic Images Of Food
Some amazing portrayals of food by an array of artists with very different styles. [Note: Looks like we got through that whole description without remarking that these paintings look "good enough to eat." Thank God for that.]
http://www.buzzfeed.com/eggplantia5/9-hyperrealistic-images-of-food-5a5y
Message from Sender:
Article: The Corgi-Husky Combo
The Corgi-Husky Combo
http://www.buzzfeed.com/cityofglass/half-corgi-half-husky-4eor
(Sent from Flipboard)
You guys, I die even though it's kind of tiny.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
It's not Seattle but...
Mostly for my own reference. Been to most of the ones in the city, but if I ever get out into the burbs I'll need some options, right?
Sent from my iPhone